Burning Out

Sometimes life gets too complicated to find the words to explain every detail of what you're going through. I wish I could find those words… I love words. They give meaning to your heart's emotions and simultaneously liberate you from them. Lately, I've been struggling with words… mostly because I'm tired. I've grown weary and the fire that ignited my passion seems to be dimming. I need rejuvenation.

I remember feeling this way often during the first weeks of college. I would lock myself in my dorm for days, glued to the pages of my schoolwork. I was obsessed with the idea of working hard to get out of the hell hole I had somehow dug myself into. I remember my skin turning pale and my hands seeming lifeless from the hours I spent writing notes on the corners of my textbook pages. The arrangement of the dozens of post-it notes on my walls started to look something like an early Picasso painting. I needed a break, but somehow I could never give myself one.

Luckily, I made a great friend who seemed to always have the cure for this. She dragged me out of my hermit-like state and took me on my first 'college adventures' – parties, road trips, thirsty Thursdays, etc. Although she never told me to relax my ambitions, she taught me how to have fun and how to keep that fire going. I owe a lot of my sanity to her. I'm not saying that this is what college is all about, but it should be a substantial part of it… the ever-so cliché concept of F-U-N.

The Road Not Taken

My mother's favorite poet is Robert Frost. She used to recite this poem to me often as a child. Frost wrote...

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

We recognize this archetypal dilemma countless times in our life and yet how often in do we actually take the road less traveled by? In my lifetime, I'm not sure how many times I've done this or how many times I even realized that it was, in fact, the road less traveled by.

I had a boyfriend freshman year of college that went to school in a different state. He was kind and bright, with a promise of a great future. But more importantly, he was my greatest friend and companion. The only boy I had ever kissed. I was certain that I would miss him often and that long distance relationships were harder than most, but he brought out the best in me and I believed in the hope that brought.

After the fall semester, the visits to see each other started to diminish, the phone calls started becoming more rare, and the casual fights became a frequent routine. I thought this would be it... we're reaching that bettersweet ending. I knew I had a choice to make. I could break up with him and become another number in the statistic of failed college relationships. Or I could try to work it out and maybe get my heart shattered in the end. Two roads, both with equally heavy consequences leading in two opposite directions, with uncertain destinations.

'And be there one traveler, long I stood.' I stood for months debating, questioning. Until a voice inside me told me it's not over yet. So we tried to work it out. It's been three years since then... and he's still my boyfriend and he's still the only boy I have ever kissed.

I'm not sure if the road I took was the one less traveled by. Many have made the argument that it was. Even more say that he and I have defied the odds. I've been living in Europe since the beginning of the new year and I haven't seen him almost a month. I still miss him and I still know that long distance relationships are harder than most, but making that choice 3 years ago has stayed with me to this day. And somehow I know 'that has made all the difference.'

Run, Forest... run.

No matter how far or fast you run, the same problems you face every day will catch up to you.


I used to be a runner. Sometimes I think I still am. After a rough first year of college, I ran. I don't regret transfering schools. (In fact, I never really regret anything). I love my current college. Within the first week, I wondered why I would ever go anywhere else.

Although I found deep contentment away from my first college year, I realized I had a new emptiness. I missed certain things from freshmen year that I didn't realize I treasured. I missed relationships and the people I left behind.

I tend to detach myself from my feelings and I thought that these sentiments were fleeting. I thought I could forget. I tried to fill up my time, to keep myself busy, and to find another outlet. I made new relationships and found new happiness. Nevertheless, the emptiness could not be filled. And then I found myself running again.

Now I'm in Europe, a continent away from my feelings and discontentment... yet I still feel this way. I didn't run BECAUSE of these feelings, but I found myself with facing them even at this distance. I'm still struggling, trying to figure out what it all means within the grand design of my life. I pray that God will help me unfold the mystery.

Had I not been so jaded by the world, I might find the strength to search my heart, but for now... I guess I'll keep running.

New Year

"Happiness comes in many forms -- in the company of good friends, in the feeling you get when you make someone else's dream come true, or in the promise of hope renewed. It's okay to let yourself be happy because you never know how fleeting that happiness might be." -- Lucas Scott, One Tree Hill

My new year's resolution: be happy.

Sometimes I find myself standing in my own way because of pride or fear. Freshmen year, I was all about taking chances and rolling with punches. Maybe it's because I had to. Or maybe it's because all those little happy moments were all I really needed.

At the end of the day, no matter what I was dealing with, if I could find something to be happy about before I went to bed, life was good.

Be happy. It's that easy.

Look out for that signal

"Look out for that signal, when life as you know it ends."

I'm certain all of us have felt some kind of striking epiphany at one point, be it grand or miniscule. It seems like suddenly, you hear a new ballad playing off of your life’s soundtrack and now, you’re skipping to some new beat. We always expect these types of enlightenment to bring us further along, towards something better.

We must be prepared to learn that life isn’t as beautifully romantic as it is in movies. Life isn’t black and white and no one can really dictate the script to you as it was meant to be played out. When you run off to college, you expect big things – like the excitement of living on your own. I was… for about three days.

I was heading back to my freshman dorm after my third day of class and my ID wasn’t functioning properly. My Resident Assistant (RA) told me to head over to the building across the green lawn to figure out what the problem was. The people at this building told me nothing was wrong with my card. I headed back to my dorm and suddenly I realized my bag full of books left a mark on my bare shoulder. I guess I hadn’t noticed how heavy they were starting to feel. Then I reached my dorm once more and relayed the message. This time another RA told me that I was sent to the wrong building and that I needed to go to the office that handled Student Accounts. Student Accounts?! That didn’t seem right, but I went anyway.

As I walked out of my building for the second time, denied entry for the second time, I noticed that the sun started fading. I thought to myself, maybe it’s starting to get darker, since the fall is coming. I reached the office and there was a line almost reaching the door. I waited on this line for an hour and a half. I finally reached the front of the line and explained my situation. The person at the other side of the desk snapped at me and said, “Well you are being locked out of your dorm because you have failed to pay an outstanding balance of $15,000.” I’m a pretty tan person, but I promise you, after I heard $15,000… I turned pale as a ghost. I pleaded with her to explain further how this happened and how I could go about to correct this obviously erroneous calculation. She said… “Well there’s really nothing we can do until you pay your balance and our offices are closing in half an hour.” I was dumbfounded.

I started tearing up. Embarrassed, I ran outside. It was pouring. “Really?,” I thought, “Is this really my life movie right now?” I marched back inside to the front of the line and said, “Excuse me, but this just doesn’t seem right. I had no notification of this outstanding balance and being that this is a Christian institution, I would hope that the staff supporting it would be kinder to help me out. I just turned 18 years old three months ago, I just moved away from home 3 day ago!” The woman was unmoved by my monologue. She simply glanced back annoyed and replied, “Well there’s really nothing I can do to help you. I’m leaving at 6:30.” Wow was it really 6:30? I got out of class 4 hours ago. That was the last straw. I called my parents.

After what was probably 15 minutes of my mother bashing through this administration, I received a ride back to my dorm, escorted by security, bypassing all those incompetent people, and marched right upstairs to my friend’s room and said, “I’m leaving this school.”

Life as I knew had ended even before it really began. I can’t explain how I knew that the rest of the year would only escalate with drama. All I really remember was feeling like it wasn’t the right place to live out the next 4 years of my life. So remember to look out for that signal… when life as you know it… ends.

Because of You - Ne-Yo

I remember that song and I suddenly I’m a little younger and a lot less jaded by the world. And in a FLASH, that song that brings me back to a time when I felt truly myself and happy. To this day, it still comforts me… the memories of how we used to dance, to laugh, and to love life just that much more than yesterday.

I listen to that song now and slowly the rest of the world fades and I can fall asleep to sound of my heart beat. As I gently drift into that slumber, I think of them and I smile. And in that time between sleep and awake, I find a peaceful moment that could subside even the stormiest of my days.

When I hear this song, I remember my friends freshman year… my saving grace. They really did save me. Honestly, I’m sure that they don’t even realize how much their presence lifted me out of what could possibly be the worst, but maybe one of the best, years of my life. I am a different person forever because of these people.

Make your lifelong friends. Make those memories last, like an old song that you just want to jam out to every time you hear it on the radio. This bond will always bring you together. Regardless of where the walk of life may take you, you can always stroll back to those moments and smile together, remembering.

I promise you that college will be a trip; one that’s scary and exhilarating all at the same time. So while you’re on that long ride, you’re going to need some company… people to play games with you to pass the time, people to make jokes with you and about you, people to stop and to rest with you when you’re hungry at 2:00 AM, people to lean on when you start to feel tired, people to take over the steering wheel when you’re feeling overwhelmed, and people who will take you places that you thought you’d never go. On this long ride, I promise you that a great song will help along the way.

Be Thankful For You

To give much is to receive much, but remember to also give to yourself and of yourself. Give yourself the freedom to accomplish more and to take on bigger challenges. “Your playing small does not serve the world… And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.”

Letting my light shine in college appeared as a challenge that would be met easily, without falter. A student body of less than 5,000 people seemed unintimidating, statistically anyway. However, it only took 2 out of 5,000 people to shadow the campus I intended to illuminate. It was a regular day in class, in a building I went to almost every day, in a hallway where I walked every afternoon. Prior to meeting in the hallway, we were engaged in a heated political debate in class. To be honest, I can’t remember what it was about. All I can recall from that day was someone grabbing me by the arm and pulling me close to them as we left the classroom. I heard a deep voice say, “Try and say something to me again, bitch.” All I could hear come out of my voice was the sound of my heavy breathing. It was so loud that I didn’t quite catch what the second voice had said shortly after. I tried to pull away but the hand that grabbed me squeezed my arm and shoved me into a bench.

The next few days in class, I was afraid to look anyone in the eye. The next week in class, I was afraid to speak at all. The next month in class, I barely raised my hand. Then, one ordinary day, in that same, now intimidating classroom, my professor approached me. She spoke about the faith she had in me as a student, as a person. She quoted Marianne Williamson as I did at the beginning of this entry. She was the only professor I care to remember about at that university. She later wrote me a recommendation for acceptance at my current college. My professor reminded me to let myself shine, as I was meant to.

The fear instilled in me by those two students shortly faded and I started to speak again in class, as I used to. Still at times I find myself hesitant during controversial quarrels and topics. At times, I try to remain neutral out of that old suppressed fear, but I try to rise to the occasion, knowing that I have something to offer to the table. So always be yourself and give what you can of yourself to the world.

Be thankful for you.