Look out for that signal

"Look out for that signal, when life as you know it ends."

I'm certain all of us have felt some kind of striking epiphany at one point, be it grand or miniscule. It seems like suddenly, you hear a new ballad playing off of your life’s soundtrack and now, you’re skipping to some new beat. We always expect these types of enlightenment to bring us further along, towards something better.

We must be prepared to learn that life isn’t as beautifully romantic as it is in movies. Life isn’t black and white and no one can really dictate the script to you as it was meant to be played out. When you run off to college, you expect big things – like the excitement of living on your own. I was… for about three days.

I was heading back to my freshman dorm after my third day of class and my ID wasn’t functioning properly. My Resident Assistant (RA) told me to head over to the building across the green lawn to figure out what the problem was. The people at this building told me nothing was wrong with my card. I headed back to my dorm and suddenly I realized my bag full of books left a mark on my bare shoulder. I guess I hadn’t noticed how heavy they were starting to feel. Then I reached my dorm once more and relayed the message. This time another RA told me that I was sent to the wrong building and that I needed to go to the office that handled Student Accounts. Student Accounts?! That didn’t seem right, but I went anyway.

As I walked out of my building for the second time, denied entry for the second time, I noticed that the sun started fading. I thought to myself, maybe it’s starting to get darker, since the fall is coming. I reached the office and there was a line almost reaching the door. I waited on this line for an hour and a half. I finally reached the front of the line and explained my situation. The person at the other side of the desk snapped at me and said, “Well you are being locked out of your dorm because you have failed to pay an outstanding balance of $15,000.” I’m a pretty tan person, but I promise you, after I heard $15,000… I turned pale as a ghost. I pleaded with her to explain further how this happened and how I could go about to correct this obviously erroneous calculation. She said… “Well there’s really nothing we can do until you pay your balance and our offices are closing in half an hour.” I was dumbfounded.

I started tearing up. Embarrassed, I ran outside. It was pouring. “Really?,” I thought, “Is this really my life movie right now?” I marched back inside to the front of the line and said, “Excuse me, but this just doesn’t seem right. I had no notification of this outstanding balance and being that this is a Christian institution, I would hope that the staff supporting it would be kinder to help me out. I just turned 18 years old three months ago, I just moved away from home 3 day ago!” The woman was unmoved by my monologue. She simply glanced back annoyed and replied, “Well there’s really nothing I can do to help you. I’m leaving at 6:30.” Wow was it really 6:30? I got out of class 4 hours ago. That was the last straw. I called my parents.

After what was probably 15 minutes of my mother bashing through this administration, I received a ride back to my dorm, escorted by security, bypassing all those incompetent people, and marched right upstairs to my friend’s room and said, “I’m leaving this school.”

Life as I knew had ended even before it really began. I can’t explain how I knew that the rest of the year would only escalate with drama. All I really remember was feeling like it wasn’t the right place to live out the next 4 years of my life. So remember to look out for that signal… when life as you know it… ends.

Because of You - Ne-Yo

I remember that song and I suddenly I’m a little younger and a lot less jaded by the world. And in a FLASH, that song that brings me back to a time when I felt truly myself and happy. To this day, it still comforts me… the memories of how we used to dance, to laugh, and to love life just that much more than yesterday.

I listen to that song now and slowly the rest of the world fades and I can fall asleep to sound of my heart beat. As I gently drift into that slumber, I think of them and I smile. And in that time between sleep and awake, I find a peaceful moment that could subside even the stormiest of my days.

When I hear this song, I remember my friends freshman year… my saving grace. They really did save me. Honestly, I’m sure that they don’t even realize how much their presence lifted me out of what could possibly be the worst, but maybe one of the best, years of my life. I am a different person forever because of these people.

Make your lifelong friends. Make those memories last, like an old song that you just want to jam out to every time you hear it on the radio. This bond will always bring you together. Regardless of where the walk of life may take you, you can always stroll back to those moments and smile together, remembering.

I promise you that college will be a trip; one that’s scary and exhilarating all at the same time. So while you’re on that long ride, you’re going to need some company… people to play games with you to pass the time, people to make jokes with you and about you, people to stop and to rest with you when you’re hungry at 2:00 AM, people to lean on when you start to feel tired, people to take over the steering wheel when you’re feeling overwhelmed, and people who will take you places that you thought you’d never go. On this long ride, I promise you that a great song will help along the way.

Be Thankful For You

To give much is to receive much, but remember to also give to yourself and of yourself. Give yourself the freedom to accomplish more and to take on bigger challenges. “Your playing small does not serve the world… And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.”

Letting my light shine in college appeared as a challenge that would be met easily, without falter. A student body of less than 5,000 people seemed unintimidating, statistically anyway. However, it only took 2 out of 5,000 people to shadow the campus I intended to illuminate. It was a regular day in class, in a building I went to almost every day, in a hallway where I walked every afternoon. Prior to meeting in the hallway, we were engaged in a heated political debate in class. To be honest, I can’t remember what it was about. All I can recall from that day was someone grabbing me by the arm and pulling me close to them as we left the classroom. I heard a deep voice say, “Try and say something to me again, bitch.” All I could hear come out of my voice was the sound of my heavy breathing. It was so loud that I didn’t quite catch what the second voice had said shortly after. I tried to pull away but the hand that grabbed me squeezed my arm and shoved me into a bench.

The next few days in class, I was afraid to look anyone in the eye. The next week in class, I was afraid to speak at all. The next month in class, I barely raised my hand. Then, one ordinary day, in that same, now intimidating classroom, my professor approached me. She spoke about the faith she had in me as a student, as a person. She quoted Marianne Williamson as I did at the beginning of this entry. She was the only professor I care to remember about at that university. She later wrote me a recommendation for acceptance at my current college. My professor reminded me to let myself shine, as I was meant to.

The fear instilled in me by those two students shortly faded and I started to speak again in class, as I used to. Still at times I find myself hesitant during controversial quarrels and topics. At times, I try to remain neutral out of that old suppressed fear, but I try to rise to the occasion, knowing that I have something to offer to the table. So always be yourself and give what you can of yourself to the world.

Be thankful for you.

“If you need me, call me, no matter where you are, no matter how far.”

Friends are a beautiful and precious gift. We find them in the most unexpected places. I found one of my best friends in my brother, Matthew. He is the unsung hero of our family; always keeping a level head through difficult times, always looking at the situation rationally and wholeheartedly, and always there for someone when they need it the most. Matty’s truly selfless in a way that most people aren’t. He has a heart of gold and I’m so proud to be his sister.

My brother was 15 years old when I left for college, a rising sophomore in high school. Even though he’s three years younger than I am, we were always close. Every time I came home to visit, he would know and peek outside the window excited to see me in the driveway. He would tell me stories about the happenings at home and keep me in the loop of all the drama and excitement. Then I started to visit home less often, wrapped up in the busy schedule of a college freshman. I was no longer in the loop of everything happening while I was away.

Slowly, I noticed the usual enthusiasm in my brother’s voice started to lessen and anger became a frequent mood. He finally became somewhat of a recluse in the household. I was immediately concerned, but he claimed, “I’m fine.” Then one night he asked me, “Can we go for a drive for some ice cream?” We did this often, but he hadn’t asked me in a while, so I was hopeful that he was coming out of his slump.

During the drive, surprisingly, he didn’t say a word, instead he looked hurt and sat there in silence. I couldn’t take it any longer. I screamed at him, “What’s wrong with you? And why won’t you tell me?!” He started to cry. I haven’t seen my brother cry in years. I still haven’t seen him cry since that day. He said in response, “I don’t know. Everything is different now.” I stopped the car and held him. He went on to explain how he felt like our family had been falling apart, (for many reasons that you learn about later). He confessed to me all the things I had been missing while I was away. What hurt the most is when Matty said he felt alone without me in the house. And then my brother finally said, “I’m depressed.” I started balling and then in a shaken voice I replied, “I love you so much and I’m so sorry you feel this way. Things will get better. I promise.”

I’ll never forget that day or the promise I made to him. My brother is not just a relative, in my heart, my brother is my closest and dearest friend; Matt’s my hero. I lost sight of that in the haze of college life. It is vital that we maintain the relationships with those we leave behind at home. Yes, college is an amazing experience, but part of that experience is finding the people that will always be important to you and keeping them close to you, no matter the distance or circumstance.

I'm No Superman

You’re not invincible. Stop assuming that “it” will never happen to you. Anything can happen, including the bad. Even if you’re smart, careful, and always on top of your game, curveballs will still be thrown at you and you could strike out.

As much as I was prepared for “it,” and as much as I knew about “it,” I still never thought “it” would happen to me. Contrary to popular belief, in Catholic school, they teach us a LOT about sex, drugs, assault, and alcohol, (sometimes more than we’d like, sometimes just to scare us); the “its” in the world that could scar us and taint our lives. They would test us and make us question our faith in the world and in ourselves. These are the same “its” that our parents warn us about when we’re young, but protect us from until we’re ready to face them alone. The truth is... you'll never really be ready.

I was 18 years old when I found out that I’m no superman. Nothing truly bad had ever really happened to me before; no broken bones, broken homes, or even broken hearts darkened my doorstep. And then “it” happened. Assault by someone you know is much more common than assault by a complete stranger; isn’t that scary? I knew him and I knew he liked me. I never thought he would hit me. We weren’t dating, we were barely even friends. We hardly spoke aside from the time we spent together with our mutual friends.

I wasn’t bruised after this happened nor was I really even injured; my head hurt though. Mostly, I remember being shocked. I remember feeling afraid and shaken. Did that just happen to me? Did “it” just happen to me? I became distrustful of people and I lost my faith in the goodness I used to recognize so easily in others. Honestly, I’m still not the same person, but I’m okay with that. I know better now. Yes, it was a terrible experience, one that I wouldn’t wish on anyone, but it made me realize that I am just as human as the victims I read about in the news paper. And while I may be stronger now, I'm still no superman and neither are you.

Do Something Crazy

“Once you become predictable, no one’s interested anymore.” – Chet Atkins. Yes, it’s slightly harsh, but true.

On the very first day of my very first Political Science class, my professor asked everyone to form a circle around the room and to announce an unusual secret to the entire class. Upon this request, I was ready to label this guy as religious conservative trying to get us to do some kind of spiritual cleansing before the new school year. With that in mind I said something safe; I said, “My hair color has been 6 different colors in the past 4 years, including green.” He announced, “I’m gay and have two children.” Damn, I fail.

After class, my peers were engaged in conversation focused around our teacher’s sex life and other secrets revealed around the “circle of truth.” I, however, was still baffled by the exercise in general. Why did he want us to tell a group of strangers something so personal about ourselves? How could he expect me to do that? Then, I realized he was trying to get us get engaged about something seemingly mundane, like a classroom icebreaker, by being unpredictable.

This first day in class inspired me to think beyond pomp and circumstance and to throw away what society dictates as “acceptable.” I thought to myself, maybe I need to start taking more chances in the classroom and in life. However, I, an alumna of a strong Catholic, (and secretly Republican), education, struggled to expand my mind around the idea of “stepping outside the box.” I found comfort in rules and conventions. I liked surrounding myself in familiar places, even that college was a safety zone for me.Since that first year, I’ve transferred schools and decided I’m not as predictable as I was raised to be. Most recently, I’ve been accepted to study abroad at the London School of Economics and Political Science and to intern for Parliament. Yes – bold, daring, and no longer predictable, much like that first day of class. Predictability is a comfort zone that we too often find ourselves in. In college, “Do something crazy,” (preferably not a keg stand), and make it worth your time. I did and now I’m no longer just the girl with formerly green hair.

What You Know and What You Don't

My fifth grade English teacher once told me, “you should write about what you know.” When I got to my Sophomore year of college, my Philosophy professor quoted Socrates stating, “a wise man knows he knows nothing.” While these two statements appear confusing, they actually make perfect sense in my mind. What these wise mentors meant to say was, “Know your shit.” The power of knowledge is hindered by ignorance and assumption. I recall a time when lesson this hit me the hardest.

Freshman year of college, I was sitting in a religious studies class debating the implications of the death penalty, premarital sex, and other concerns of the Church. I, a bold and audacious student, spoke feverishly of the power of generosity in regards to the topic of poverty. I said, “I feel like those with the ability to alter society for the better have an unspoken duty to usher in that change. Wealthy people are privileged enough to carry that responsibility.” Another student looked at me harshly, gazing at my Coach tote bag and BCBG jacket. She responded, “and what would you know about that?” I angrily responded, “and who are you to judge me?” She stood up and read me the riot act shortly after. Her uncle in prison, her mother raising her alone, etc.

She continued to make comments about me, assuming that I was brought up with a silver spoon in my mouth. I tried to defend myself but she continued on. I finally stood up and yelled, “Do attacks on my life have anything to do with the original question?!” The most gregarious and belligerent student in the class then spoke. He said, “In the end, what she means is… if you.. a person like you… saw someone on the street begging for your last dollar, would you give it to them?” I was taken back by this immediately. I took a breath, and I could feel all the eyes in the room looking, waiting for an answer. I fought the tears back in my own eyes and said, “It’s funny that you ask that because I took a trip to Boston this past weekend. The Sunday I’m supposed to go home to New Jersey, I went to church. The reading in the Gospel that day was about Jesus recognizing a widower who gave her last bit of money to the donation box at the temple. Jesus said to his disciples, "that woman gave the most of anyone that day." After I heard that passage, I looked into my bag and saw what little money I had left from a weekend in Boston. I left church that day and went back to New Jersey without a penny.” The entire class went silent, the obnoxious girl and boy who attacked me no more than a minute ago were flabbergasted. This was the only time in my life I ever walked out in the middle of class.

Since that day, I try not to assume anything of people or pass judgment too quickly. Last year at my current college, I was again faced with this issue. This taught me that people will always “think they know.” Don’t give them that opportunity and at the same time don’t allow yourself to become one of them. Be humble. Know that you do not know everything and that it’s okay.

A New Beginning

If, in life, you become frustrated and lost, sometimes you're lucky enough to find yourself again. This rejuvination enlightens you and, more importantly, inspires you to develop strong character and integrity, academically, professionally and above all, personally. This is where that new chapter in my life begins.

For the past three years, I've been in recovery from a year that altered my life in so many ways. Of that fateful year, I have no regrets or sorrows; I only keep the memories and the hard lessons learned. I sometimes find it difficult to express what happened to me or how it happened, but that's not what this blog is about. Instead, it's about how these events affect me now and how I'm constantly attempting to grow and to change.

Since then, I've been inspired by an important life lesson that I'd like to begin this blog with: when one negative thought or action occurs, throw back two more positives. It's simple, yes, but powerful. Regularly, I'd become angry or overly-emotional about frivilous things that, in the end, really made no huge difference in my life. My pent-up emotion weighed me down constantly and affected everything else I did or tried to accomplish. I hope that this blog will serve as a step to fullfill that positive lifestyle I want to lead. Maybe I'll learn a little more and in the end, heal a little more.