Be Thankful For You

To give much is to receive much, but remember to also give to yourself and of yourself. Give yourself the freedom to accomplish more and to take on bigger challenges. “Your playing small does not serve the world… And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.”

Letting my light shine in college appeared as a challenge that would be met easily, without falter. A student body of less than 5,000 people seemed unintimidating, statistically anyway. However, it only took 2 out of 5,000 people to shadow the campus I intended to illuminate. It was a regular day in class, in a building I went to almost every day, in a hallway where I walked every afternoon. Prior to meeting in the hallway, we were engaged in a heated political debate in class. To be honest, I can’t remember what it was about. All I can recall from that day was someone grabbing me by the arm and pulling me close to them as we left the classroom. I heard a deep voice say, “Try and say something to me again, bitch.” All I could hear come out of my voice was the sound of my heavy breathing. It was so loud that I didn’t quite catch what the second voice had said shortly after. I tried to pull away but the hand that grabbed me squeezed my arm and shoved me into a bench.

The next few days in class, I was afraid to look anyone in the eye. The next week in class, I was afraid to speak at all. The next month in class, I barely raised my hand. Then, one ordinary day, in that same, now intimidating classroom, my professor approached me. She spoke about the faith she had in me as a student, as a person. She quoted Marianne Williamson as I did at the beginning of this entry. She was the only professor I care to remember about at that university. She later wrote me a recommendation for acceptance at my current college. My professor reminded me to let myself shine, as I was meant to.

The fear instilled in me by those two students shortly faded and I started to speak again in class, as I used to. Still at times I find myself hesitant during controversial quarrels and topics. At times, I try to remain neutral out of that old suppressed fear, but I try to rise to the occasion, knowing that I have something to offer to the table. So always be yourself and give what you can of yourself to the world.

Be thankful for you.

“If you need me, call me, no matter where you are, no matter how far.”

Friends are a beautiful and precious gift. We find them in the most unexpected places. I found one of my best friends in my brother, Matthew. He is the unsung hero of our family; always keeping a level head through difficult times, always looking at the situation rationally and wholeheartedly, and always there for someone when they need it the most. Matty’s truly selfless in a way that most people aren’t. He has a heart of gold and I’m so proud to be his sister.

My brother was 15 years old when I left for college, a rising sophomore in high school. Even though he’s three years younger than I am, we were always close. Every time I came home to visit, he would know and peek outside the window excited to see me in the driveway. He would tell me stories about the happenings at home and keep me in the loop of all the drama and excitement. Then I started to visit home less often, wrapped up in the busy schedule of a college freshman. I was no longer in the loop of everything happening while I was away.

Slowly, I noticed the usual enthusiasm in my brother’s voice started to lessen and anger became a frequent mood. He finally became somewhat of a recluse in the household. I was immediately concerned, but he claimed, “I’m fine.” Then one night he asked me, “Can we go for a drive for some ice cream?” We did this often, but he hadn’t asked me in a while, so I was hopeful that he was coming out of his slump.

During the drive, surprisingly, he didn’t say a word, instead he looked hurt and sat there in silence. I couldn’t take it any longer. I screamed at him, “What’s wrong with you? And why won’t you tell me?!” He started to cry. I haven’t seen my brother cry in years. I still haven’t seen him cry since that day. He said in response, “I don’t know. Everything is different now.” I stopped the car and held him. He went on to explain how he felt like our family had been falling apart, (for many reasons that you learn about later). He confessed to me all the things I had been missing while I was away. What hurt the most is when Matty said he felt alone without me in the house. And then my brother finally said, “I’m depressed.” I started balling and then in a shaken voice I replied, “I love you so much and I’m so sorry you feel this way. Things will get better. I promise.”

I’ll never forget that day or the promise I made to him. My brother is not just a relative, in my heart, my brother is my closest and dearest friend; Matt’s my hero. I lost sight of that in the haze of college life. It is vital that we maintain the relationships with those we leave behind at home. Yes, college is an amazing experience, but part of that experience is finding the people that will always be important to you and keeping them close to you, no matter the distance or circumstance.